I’m through waiting to dance with you.

For years I tried sitting on the sidelines, waiting for you to ask me, to notice me, to no avail. Eventually I got brave and asked you to dance with me. You said yes, and I lit up. Then you walked away from me. I asked you again, and again you said yes, but then turned your back on me. Sometimes I would ask you and your eyes would just glaze over and you would stand there mute.

Now and then, you would even follow me out onto the dance floor, my heart leaping into my throat, before you walked away. And on rare occasions, you would take my hand and start to sway, my hopes so high, before abandoning me with no explanation.

Now I’ll have to watch you dance alone.  And that will be painful too, but in a different, less personal way. Because now I’m learning to dance with myself. And I’m not really interested in dancing with you anymore.

Because I don’t believe in you. There’s no truth left in you, just dancing shadows. But I can’t dance with a shadow. And you don’t even realize that the only dancing you do is shadow dancing. It’s very sad for me to watch, your inability to dance. There are so many people who would love to dance with you, but you just…don’t.

On the other hand, I’m learning to dance alone. Knowing how to dance alone is an amazing and freeing thing. I’m starting to dance with other people. There is an awful lot of dancing to be done in this world, and I’m tired of waiting for you to participate in it with me. I’m tired of waiting for you to be proud of me for being a good dancer. So off I go to experience all the dancing out there, with many other dancers. With myself.

I won’t look back. You’ll get left behind. And I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I am sad, but I’m not sorry. I’m not doing this to you; you created this for yourself. You might not even notice that I’m not asking you to dance anymore. You might not notice that no one is asking you to dance anymore. I wonder if you’ll notice when you’re left standing alone at the side of the gymnasium, lights dimmed and music soft, while everyone else sways intertwined.

It is my sincere hope for you that one day you’ll learn to dance. I hope that you will learn to open up to, trust, and show up for someone enough to be a true and reliable dance partner. But you and I? Our dancing days are behind us. Now we’ll just wave from opposite sides of the gym, and that will be all.

Because my dance card will be full.

 

 

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