OK, so what the hell?  My head is turning itself inside out, and it’s starting to make me physically ill.  As in nauseaus, sweating, terrible insomnia, and brutal headache.

Why so stressed?  Well, like everyone else spanning the globe these days, I’m freaking out about my financial life.  I have been so drugged and out of it for so long that I think I have simply been ignoring the fear that lives there.  But now that I’m thinking clearer, I decided I had to actually look at things honestly.  I have some financial decisions to make in the very near future, and I need to know what’s what in order to make good choices.

I did not anticipate a panic attack in the process, which is pretty much what I’m fending off at the mo.

It would seem that no matter what I do, I cannot make ends meet.  That is so fucking frustrating.  The best I can do is try to get myself into the least amount of trouble I can.  But that is a sinking ship.  This business of being a single-parent who can’t really work regularly is a bitch.  I need a partner – if I had that going on, things would look drastically different.  But I don’t want to choose a partner based on their financial picture – how gold-digger would that be?  No, there are a million other reasons I’d like to have a partner, but I guess if I’m honest with myself, this does factor into the decision too.  I guess the scary part about that is the potential to be stuck in a relationship because of the financial impact of splitting up – been there, done that.  Don’t plan to ever be in that position again.

I definitely need to talk to a doctor about this.  I can’t stand my head bouncing off the walls the way it does these days, with nothing productive to come of it.